The Inner Thoughts Of A Meddler
by Aariah
Summary: Kanaya Maryam is alone. Well, in a way. But sometimes regret is simply an emotion, while in others it is a way of life. Humanstuck AU T for Language
1. Introduction

_It Was A Different Feeling Really, That Emptiness That Slowly Creeps Up While You Are Least Aware. That Is What I Have Been Led To Believe. My Name You Ask? Well, If You Must It Is Simply Kanaya; Anything Else That I Might Be Led Into Giving Is Not Much To Take Note Of At This Time._

* * *

Those things that you take for granted, all the while pursuing what you thought you wanted. I am quite sure I am not alone in this purely mortal folly. See, this that I am, this human that is inwardly searching for something that I can recognize as perfect isn't perfect at all. Not like I liked to think I was. Yes, it is so easy to put up that mask so no person, in singular or plural, will expect much more. It is easy to see life through a dark tunnel, neglecting your soul while saving others.

This is my curse, I see it now. Being the 'meddler' that I am has left me to be the one who is meddled and manipulated with the most. The misplacement of a single item has led me into cleaning entire rooms, the tears of a 'friend' have led me into doing things that I otherwise would not even consider.

I forgot all about the kind of friendship that involved two people, not just one. The kind in which the two depend on one another instead of one half giving until they have nothing left to give. It was a sudden thing, we had somehow, Karkat and I; grown apart. Words stopped being exchanged and it seemed like a moment later he was gone, or rather I was.

Waking up one day and realizing that the one person that you saw as being at your side when you needed them isn't there anymore. That gap that is left when there isn't anyone left.

My love for Vriska, I realize now, was of that of an owner to a pet. Constantly correcting and trying to let the other grow in a positive manner. Rose was a different case, she seemed so perfect. Such as the little stars that twinkle in the night or the sun and it's pleasant warmth upon the skin. But when seen in a closer manner the warmth turns into something that isn't pleasant in the least.

However Karkat, he was my best friend. It was a calm, nice sort of friendship. Words weren't always needed and it was absolutely amazing to see him actually relax. I looked forward to that, making him forget. I didn't notice my jealousy as John or Terezi did the same in smaller amounts. I just… Withdrew. He was fine without me.

But I wasn't without him; see sometimes a friendship goes deep to the point where it is a deeper love than you are ever able to imagine. It isn't an abrupt falling into, more of a patient walk into that love. Taking the time to know the other and just be happy. Infatuation is passing, it comes and it goes and is mostly one-sided. But love, it is so much different. At times you don't even notice its presence till that presence is gone.

* * *

I think I will just leave this here.. I am not quite sure if I want to continue or not.


	2. Chapter the First

_Tuesday, September 23rd_

_Well I Suppose This Is Supposed To Be Somewhat Helpful In My Regard However How Is Something Small Like Writing In A Journal Supposed To Help At All_

_It Is Just A Piece Of Paper With Writing Rose Once Told Me That Writing In A Journal Might Help Me With My Social Issues_

_No I Do Not See Them As Issues Really They Are Just Me Not Being What I Need To Be_

_The Real Question What Is It That That I Need To Be Do I Need To Be This Punctual Person Who Feels The Need To Help At Any Given Opportunity I Just Do It_

_It Is Not Something I Consciously Choose_

* * *

BE: KANAYA MARYAM

You are Kanaya Maryam and you to your utter disbelief have taken up writing in a journal.

Closing the green tome softly you set it on a nearby table, running your fingers through your short brown hair. Yes, for once you decided to give that bit of advice a shot. Not that you think it will actually be helpful in any way or form, but it is something. You miss her at times- all the time, Rose.

The thought of her leaves you wincing, and reminds you just how alone you are. You figure it is to be expected however, and do not question it.

Sighing, you get out of the chair you had been occupying and make your way to the single bathroom in your tiny apartment. You wince at the tired face that greets you in the mirror. Your large green eyes look like they had some sort of bruising underneath, you attributed it to lack of sleep. And your hair, sticking up at all angles it really isn't pleasant to look at. Warily you pick up the concealor pen, in the palest shade they had available of course, and begin making yourself look at least a bit normal.

KANAYA == GLANCE AT CLOCK

You need to leave within five minutes, but you subtract about one of those minutes applying the jade green lipstick you had made in a fit of anger. Why is it so difficult to find good quality green lipstick for cheap? It's easier just to make it really... Crayons are cheap enough you suppose.

The other three are spent with you gathering various things to place in your bag, and trying to remember where you had put your keys the night previous when you had come home.

You leave the apartment about a minute and a half late, though that really shouldn't bother you it somehow does. Greatly. Having about fourteen minutes to get to the classroom in a reasonable manner (In this case about half an hour early) you decide to walk, it being quicker than dealing with the overcrowded public bus system.

The sky is overcast, not that you really expected much else really. The past few weeks had been somewhat nice, so the wetter weather was definitely overdue.

The picture presented was appealing, the contrast between the grey of the sidewalk, the brown bricks, metallic looking windows and the grey cement of the various buildings; all lit with a bright grayish sky. Luckily, it wasn't quite raining, though in the time you have spent her you quickly learned that umbrellas were useless after a bit. You don't know if you even own one anymore.

The large building comes up soon, as you didn't live too far away. Well, it did raise the rent an unreasonable amount but the convenience was worth it. Pulling open the door, you gaze at the almost empty hallway with mild emotion.

* * *

CLOCK == LETS CONFUSE THE FUCK OUT OF THE POOR READERS. (*sigh* LETS US REWIND ABOUT FIVE MINUTES OR SO.)

BE: KARKAT VANTAS

You are Karkat Vantas, and you are confused as fuck. The building is huge, in the middle of a busy downtown area and really, you have no idea how you are supposed to find the class you are told you need to attend. Fuck them for not bothering to show you around, they can go insert various bodily parts into light sockets and fucking mate with the products for all you cared, really, who in their right mind doesn't even bother offering a map? Anyway, you have been wandering around blindly looking like an utter fool for you don't know how long. It isn't your fault that you had to move damn it! Seriously, how hard is it to get some help around here? Oh yeah, you are the only one here. Wait- is that a door slamming closed? Yes!

KARKAT == GROW SOME BALLS AND ASK FOR HELP.

Hell no, well... Maybe that would be smart. You look around the mainly empty hall for the cause of the crashing door. A slightly taller woman shrugs her way through the side of the hall, her short, dark brown hair sticking up in ordered madness. You think somewhere in the back of your mind that this woman looks eerily familiar, but being that you are currently in a state of rage you pay that no mind. You quicken your steps to match that of the woman, and well... Since you are asking her for help and all you actually decide it's worth being civil.

"Excuse me, can you direct me to room 394?"

And really, the last thing you expected was the voice of someone you hadn't seen since grade 9.

* * *

BE: KANAYA MARYAM

Your automatic reaction to the other person you sensed in the hallway was to move to the opposite side of it. Not very effective, especially when the other person makes their way towards you. They ask a question, and for once you can actually help them, as that is the room that you are on your way to. However, that was before the familiar voice registered in your mind, the wild hair dyed a bluish black and the bright red eyes.

Internally, you start freaking out. This is Karkat, your former best friend that you haven't spoken to in years. So you do the totally logical thing, you pretend you never knew him. "Certainly, that is where I am going. Follow me."

Standing a bit straighter you start walking down the hall again, and you sense your companion's confusion at your reaction. It is better this way, it really is.

* * *

So that didn't take as long as I thought it would.. Its still rather short though. In other news, I will try to get around to updating everything else, I've just been rather out of it. My mom is having me see a therapist and everything.. But I will try okay?


	3. Chapter the Second

_ I Think I Am Going To Regret This Sooner Or Later_

_ It Is Not Like I Want Him To Remember_

_ Well I Suppose I Wanted Him To Forget_

BE: KANAYA MARYAM

This is going to be difficult. However... Not as difficult as you would think it to be.

"Kanaya? What are you doing here? Wow, when was the last time we talked?" His voice had gotten deeper, but not by much. It was still... Slightly hoarse? There wasn't really a way to describe it.

You force your voice to steady, managing to answer him calmly. "How do you know my name?"

His face fell, in the slightest amount. Not enough that a person who didn't know him well would notice, but it was there. People always saw him as angry; when it really was that he cared too much. He cared too much and everyone wrote him off, if you were able to listen and answer intelligently, he was the kindest person ever. You used to wish more people would see what you saw, at this point you think they did. Not everyone will react kindly to a situation, just as not everyone is going to want to get along or like an angry teen. Adult, if you are speaking of the present.

He went silent, running his fingers through his hair messing it up even more. It still stuck up at those odd angles, and he still wore a plain long sleeved black shirt. This was Karkat. He really needed to learn that all the black only served to make his already white skin appear translucent. It was an interesting look but really, you couldn't focus on it while you led him across the building.

It was different, the way the grey light reflected on the different surfaces of hallways as it filtered itself through the windows. It gave everything a not quite there look, when the light faded everything could be gone. Moreover, the lighting almost always made your pale skin- it was comparative to the particular shade of white the albino walking beside you sported- achieve a glowing like state. It was more than slightly annoying to a person who wanted to be left alone at this point.

BE: KARKAT VANTAS

For some reason you were still sure that this was Kanaya, even if she voiced no recognition. Her eyes said it all. Frankly, she looked like crap. She still kept her hair shorter apparently, which was nice. It suited her. But her face, even as she refused to make eye contact as she walked was slightly gaunt and tired. You honestly don't even remember when the two of you stopped talking, it was probably when the fucking nightmare of high school was thrust on everyone in your grade. Wait- you remember now. She moved halfway through freshman year, just up and left.

KANAYA == OKAY HURRY THIS ALONG WILL YOU? THE CLASSROOM ISN'T THAT FAR AWAY.

"We have arrived," You suddenly remember that you aren't supposed to know his name. "Excuse me; I didn't quite catch your name?"

He stares at you, his red eyes unreadable. "Karkat."

CLASS == BE UNBELEIVABLY BORING.

You may be a perfectionist at heart, but seriously this class was pushing the limits of the extreme amount of patience you possessed. The professor droned on and on, though you really were not quite sure what about. You had found yourself doodling, pretty dresses on thin little figures, curvy models, apple like bodies- anything that popped into your head. The curves of the human body appealed to you, the various ways to drape fabric across it, the cuts and fall as gravity did its work. The bodies in motion, the way that the clothing would move along with it, these concepts were easy for you to understand.

You wished you were back in your apartment, the old sewing machine and the welcoming yards of cloth bought on sale.

BE: TEACHER

== END CLASS AND RELEASE PUPILS INTO THE WORLD. YOU ARE REALLY SO PROUD OF THEM, EVEN IF IT'S THE FIRST DAY.

Oh yes! What a wonderful idea, really they must be so tired. Some are actually sleeping! Yes, yes they do need their sleep, poor things. Yup, time to shoo them out.

BE: KARKAT

== WONDER AT THE IDIOCY OF THIS SUPPOSED TEACHER.

God is it even remotely possible to be so senile? The man is practically drooling, what on earth possessed administration to let the fuckstain teach, it was a severe lack of foresight on their part. Seriously, the man probably the results of generations of inbreeding and bad taste. Why must everyone be so fucking stupid?

From your place in the back of the room you can see that Kanaya is lost in thought, drawing furiously on a piece of paper in front of her. Most of the people have already left the room at this point so you walk towards her and place a hand at her shoulder.

"Class is over." You state. Kanaya has always calmed you down various degrees. With her there never really was a reason to get angry, you forgot just how soothing her presence was.

She looks up, her green eyes slightly startled. "Oh thank you..." She bites out the words quickly, her voice trailing off as she gathers the various papers. You can see the drawings littering them, and really... Its brilliance. Even if they are rough pencil sketches, some parts outlined in ballpoint.

Shuffling the rest of them in a pile she tucks everything in a folder, somehow she manages to take the time to actually put them into a pocket instead of simply stuffing them inside like you would've done.

"...Why are you still standing here?" She questions, and really, you don't blame her. Here you are, being an ass and watching her every move. Smooth move Karkat, yup just keep on being a total creeper. No, you can feel blood rising to your face, not good not good.

"I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime? You don't have to if you don't want to. I just moved here and know literally no one." Yes, that is a good-ish reason. But part of it was a lie. You know your two brothers and your asshole of a roommate.

She nods slowly, thinking. "Why though? Not that I have any objections, I am simply curious."

"Fuck. I don't know really." Yeah... Keeping civil isn't always your strong suit. It isn't your fault that you are surrounded by mostly idiots. Kanaya being not among the many, many people on that long list. To be fair though not all of them were really idiots. Only assholes, but there really wasn't much difference. A douche is a douche.

"Well, thank you. I must be going now, work to attend to." She stands, slipping her things into her bag before walking away.

You stand there, just stand there. God was this really Kan though? Even when she looked like crap she looked good. But... Some part of you knew that it was Kanaya, even if she showed no signs of remembering you. The same Kanaya that was able to calm you down from broken rages, you being too emotionally exhausted to even think about what was happening.

When she was ready, she would remember. She was Kan after all.

BE: KANAYA

It wasn't working was it? You are absolutely sure he knows exactly who you are, even if he hasn't shown any outward signs

KANAYA == THINK OF THE MANY WAYS YOU ARE BEING AN IMBACILE.

You are being an idiot, aren't you? In all reality how many people are there that have the name Kanaya, Mother kept saying the name suited you, that it was just as one-of-a-kind as you were. You never believed her.

The Rose City was so kind in that manner though. Even if you weren't Middle Eastern or of African descent, there were many, many people who were. Just as there were many people in general. Weird names were normal, as the public schools predictably were subpar.

The street outside was busy, the multitudes of people, some in sharp business attire, others in interesting combinations of articles that screamed hipster. The smattering of homeless garnered your sympathy, though you couldn't quite imagine how a man using a ratty sleeping bag as a cape of sorts and who was yelling obstinacies wasn't mentally ill or had a problem with substance abuse.

The bus stop was pretty much empty, and you get on the next bus that pulls up, flashing your pass to the driver. It was full, as usual so you stand in the middle of the aisle, holding onto one of the handholds.

You had to work of course. How else are you going to pay for your apartment? It really was just your luck, getting a job at some computer place. The owner was a genius, though his social skills could use a bit of brushing up. However, who were you to talk about social skills? You hardly talked.


	4. Chapter the Third

_Hey guys sorry about this taking so long :/ life hasn't been very kind to me lately at all. I promise as summer continues I'll post more for all my stories. Thanks for putting up with me. _

Sometimes There Isn't Really Any Choice In The Matter.

You Know And They Know

You Don't Actually Point The Fact That Both Sides Are Partial To The Information Out

But It's Still Rather Obvious

So Its Prudent To Simply Play Along

Or Forget

Like Other Painful Things

But That Makes Thing Worse

Or That Is What I Have Noticed

- GA

You know there is something wrong with your mind clung to dreams as you tried to force yourself out of bed in the morning, the numbness that you kept telling yourself that you were used to. How do you get used to something like that though? It is nearly impossible.

Sometimes, you dwell on those days before, with Karkat- you had someone who just accepted you. He was rough around the edges, who wasn't though? Or Rose, dear, sweet Rose. How you missed her.

You know you messed things up, you messed them up royally. Watching the bus slowly empty, you sit at a recently vacated seat. By the time you reach your stop the bus is nearly empty, you don't notice Karkat's puzzled gaze from the back row of the bus. You aren't even aware of his presence as you pull the yellow cord, cursing privately as you had to tug harder for the sign in the front to flash red. With practiced ease and natural grace you stand, gathering your things you nod politely at the driver as you do a little skip hop out of the bus.

The area in which your employer chose to hold shop didn't appeal to you. It seemed dirty, seedy even judging by the multiple bars and strip clubs that seemed to double as adult shops.

Glancing behind you, as who wouldn't in such a situation; paranoia follows you as your shadow- you feel slight bewilderment at the person muddling forward a few yards back.

Your gaze turns to a sharp glare, "Karkat what on earth are you doing here?"

**BE: THE OBVIOUSLY IN TROUBLE ANGRY ALBINO TOAD**

Oh will you cut the fuckery, you aren't in trouble. Well not yet anyway. Sollux is going to kill you if you are late though. "Oh hey Kan, I happen to have a job. And I have to go to that job otherwise I'll be fired on my first day because my boss happens to be a temperamental douche."

Kanaya raises a perfectly sculpted brow. "Oh so your boss is a douche, why I didn't know you worked for yourself Karkat. I also didn't know you could fire yourself, though I suppose anything is possible."

"Am I allowed to pretend I just responded to that with an overly witty comment?" Your voice is tentative, and frankly, you forgot just how much attitude Kan possessed.

"Of course. Wouldn't want to bruise anything." She glances around, "I also have work to attend to Karkat. Well unless you are planning on following me there too."  
"I said I was not following you. I was just going to work. And now we are making each other late, here which way are you heading. If we really want to continue this conversation, we might as well make some progress in moving our asses in the process. "

She nods her head in one direction and starts walking. "Hypothetically speaking, if a person were to follow another a perfect excuse would be saying that they had business in the area anyhow. Is this correct?"

You curse inwardly, you weren't fucking following her. Why was she being so overly paranoid. Or was she teasing you. You can't tell the difference after all these years from her dry humor or regular speech. "I really can't tell if you are serious. Hypothetically of course its none of your damn business."

She smiles broadly, laughing she shakes her head. "Is it really that hard? What else am I to assume. I help you then you come up to me after class. Perhaps you are also working at that dingy shop Sollux runs. Or well, he messes up."  
You blank. "You are fucking kidding me. You work for that douche Sollux of all people?"

"Why yes. Have been for over a year now." She glances at you sharply "I was right wasn't I. Intuition isn't always my friend. There are very few who hold that title."

"That actually surprises me. You always were difficult to read." You were telling the truth, Kan could be stone like at times. Her emotions kept tight under lock and key she rarely let anyone see.

"Well, I don't know what to really say to that, though I am wondering just what it is that surprises you."  
"The friends. How can there be few that you consider friends when everyone always fucking adored you. I mean you were the one person everyone could count on at any given time."

She shrugs. A simple rise and fall of the shoulders that gave little thought. "I was never that. Never. I'm just a shell doing for others what I cannot for myself. It is as simple as that."

**BE: KANAYA**

Why did you say that. What on earth possessed those words to leave your lips? But really, that is what you are. A shell. A useless, pathetic, broken down shell. You gave too much and have nothing left of yourself. You laugh silently to yourself. It really was just what you deserved. You could never give enough to fix everything and all the knives thrown and chainsaws wielded really couldn't change the battlefield that was your mind.

Karkat's voice is quiet. Soothing even. "Somehow I doubt that Kan."

**BE THE NOW CONFUSED SHOP OWNER. OR RATHER SLIGHTLY PISSED SHOP OWNER, YOU CAN NEVER REALLY TELL.**

They were late. By 5 minutes, part of you says to let it go, the other is raising hell. Kanaya was never late, and really who expected KK to be anything but. When they finally walk in, together (Hm.. what could this mean. They were even talking.) you glare behind your 3D glasses. Yup, you were all about that class, two toned everything was were it was at. (Or just tacky, who knows. It works)

"I apologize for our tardiness Sollux, we had matters to speak of." Damn her, and her civilly spoken words. How could you ever get mad at her? Such a careful person, motherly even.

On the other hand douchebag was staring at you, you swear he did these things on purpose. "Just work. I have things I need to do. KK just do what Kanaya says." There, that was taken care of. Now back to the peaceful, unconfusing world of coding.

BE THE FLY BUZZING ABOUT THE ROOM IN A CONFUSED AND SLIGHTLY AGGRESIVE MANNER

Buuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*SPLAT*

BE THE MURDERER OF INNOCENT SLIGHTLY AGGRESSIVE FLIES

"Can any creature be any more annoying? God." The book wielding Kanaya stands in the middle of the room, neither Karkat or Sollux had noticed her creeping quietly towards the fly, that had just landed on a table. They both jumped at the sharp whack of the paper smashing the poor thing.

"I suppose there are a few more for me to murder. Or you could liberate them before I get to them I suppose. Better be soon or there will be more smashed bugs."

"So I suppose you are just going to keep murdering flies Kan? Classy much?" Karkat shakes his head, smiling slightly. "Hey douche, time to 'liberate' the poor things before Kan murders us along with them. Seriously I don't want to die by being whacked by paper."  
"Who are you calling a douche. Dude I'm your boss I demand the respect, all of it. Seriously, sup little buggers. Better get you out before KK decides he needs to join the fray.

**NEEDLESS TO SAY WITHIN THE NEXT FEW HOURS, MANY A FLY'S LIFE WAS LOST.**


End file.
